Divorced dads: staying close to your kids
Updated · By the After Divorce volunteers
Short answer
Divorced dads stay close to their children by being reliable more than by being impressive: turn up on time every time, keep ordinary routines in your home, stay in touch between visits, and never run down their mother in front of them. For the weekends without them, plan something with other adults in advance so the silence does not catch you.
What do children need from a divorced dad?
- Reliability. If you say Saturday at nine, be there at nine. Every missed pickup is remembered.
- Ordinary life at your place. Homework, supper, bedtime, chores. Not a holiday every second weekend. Routine tells them this is home too.
- Their own space. A bed, a drawer, a toothbrush that stays.
- Contact in between. A short call or message on the days you do not see them, on a schedule they can count on.
- No bad-mouthing. They are half her. Criticism of their mother lands on them.
How do you get through the weekends without them?
The first few are brutal. The house is silent from Friday afternoon. What works:
- Plan the weekend before it starts. By Wednesday, know what Saturday morning holds.
- Anchor Saturday morning. A parkrun, a hike, a round of golf. Mornings set the tone.
- Be with people at least once. A braai, a game, a men's meetup.
- Use the time on purpose. Fix up their room, cook ahead, train. It turns dead time into something for them.
- Watch the drinking. Empty weekends are where it creeps up.
What about co-parenting with someone you are angry at?
Treat it like a working relationship. Keep messages short, polite and about the children: times, places, school, health. Do not use the children to carry messages. Put arrangements in writing so there is less to argue about.
If you cannot agree on care and contact, a mediator or the Office of the Family Advocate can help, and a parenting plan can be made an order of court. An attorney or Legal Aid South Africa can explain your position.
Where can divorced dads find each other?
There are very few groups for divorced fathers in South Africa. The After Divorce men's evening is one place, and the Saturday parkrun is open to dads who have their children that weekend, so the kids come along and you still get adult company. See the weekly schedule.