How to cope with divorce as a man
Updated · By the After Divorce volunteers
Short answer
To cope with divorce as a man, keep a routine, stay physically active, see people in person at least twice a week, go easy on alcohol, and tell at least one person the truth about how you are doing. Most men feel worst in the first few months and steadier within a year or two. If you cannot sleep, work or see a way forward, speak to a doctor or call a helpline.
What do the first months of divorce feel like for a man?
Most men describe some mix of the following, often on the same day:
- Anger, at her, at lawyers, at yourself.
- A flat, heavy tiredness that sleep does not fix.
- Relief, followed by guilt for feeling relieved.
- Fear about money and about losing time with your children.
- A house that is suddenly very quiet.
None of this means something is wrong with you. It is what losing a marriage feels like. It also tends to come in waves, so a good week followed by a terrible day is normal.
What actually helps?
- Keep a routine. Get up at the same time, eat proper meals, go to work. Structure carries you on the days you cannot carry yourself.
- Move your body. Run, walk, lift, play padel. Exercise is one of the few things that reliably takes the edge off.
- See people in person. Twice a week at least. Messages do not count. This is the one most men skip, and it matters most.
- Tell one person the truth. A brother, a mate, a colleague. Not the whole story, only an honest answer when they ask how you are.
- Get the legal side handled properly. Uncertainty feeds anxiety. Knowing where you stand, even when the news is bad, is easier than guessing.
- Plan the hard hours. Sunday evenings and kid-free weekends are the worst. Put something in them on purpose. A fixed weekly meetup does that for you.
What makes it worse?
- Drinking alone. It feels like relief and works like a loan.
- Disappearing. Cancelling on friends until they stop asking.
- Fighting through the kids. They remember it for the rest of their lives.
- Rushing into a new relationship. It postpones the hard part, it does not skip it.
- Big decisions in the first few months. Quitting, moving cities, selling up. Wait if you can.
Why do men find it hard to ask for support?
Many men relied on their wife for most of their emotional conversation and for the social calendar. When the marriage ends, both go at once. Add the idea that a man should handle things on his own, and you get a lot of men sitting at home telling everyone they are fine.
It helps to take the word "support" out of it. You do not need to join a circle and share. You need to be around other men who have been through it, doing something normal. That is why the men's meetups are built around an activity.
When should you get professional help?
Speak to your GP, a psychologist or a counsellor if, for more than two weeks:
- you cannot sleep or cannot get out of bed,
- you are drinking to get through most days,
- you cannot concentrate at work,
- you feel hopeless, or think people would be better off without you.
If you are thinking about ending your life, call the SADAG Suicide Crisis Helpline on 0800 567 567 now. It is free and answered day and night.