Lonely after divorce: why it happens and what to do about it
Updated · By the After Divorce volunteers
Short answer
Loneliness after divorce is normal and usually temporary. It is strongest in the evenings, on weekends without the children and on holidays. What helps is regular time with people in person, planned in advance for the hours you find hardest: a weekly activity, a standing coffee, a group that meets on a fixed day. A new relationship is not the cure, and often makes it worse if started too soon.
Why is loneliness after divorce so strong?
You did not lose one person. You lost the daily background of another adult in the house, half of your time with your children, many of your shared friends, your in-laws and the plans you had. All at the same moment.
You can also feel lonely when the marriage was unhappy. People are often surprised by that. Missing the company is not the same as wanting the marriage back.
Which times are hardest?
- Weekday evenings, between getting home and going to sleep.
- Weekends without the children. The house goes silent on a Friday afternoon.
- Sunday evenings.
- Christmas, Easter, school holidays and birthdays.
Knowing your own worst hours is useful, because those are the ones to plan for.
How do you deal with loneliness after divorce?
- Put something fixed in the worst slot. If Wednesdays are grim, Wednesday is the night you go out. A standing weekly meetup works because you do not have to organise it.
- Choose in-person over online. Scrolling and messaging pass the time without touching the loneliness.
- Go where people repeat. A parkrun, a club, a class, a group. Seeing the same faces weekly is how strangers turn into friends.
- Say yes once a week. To any invitation, even when you do not feel like it.
- Do something for someone. Coach, volunteer, help a neighbour. It gets you out of your own head.
- Learn to be alone on purpose. A hike, a film, a meal out by yourself. Solitude you chose feels different from loneliness that landed on you.
Should you start dating to stop feeling lonely?
Usually not yet. A relationship started to fill a gap tends to be with whoever is available, not whoever is right. Build company and friendship first. When you no longer need someone, you choose better. More in dating after divorce.
When is it more than loneliness?
If you have stopped wanting to see anyone, cannot sleep, or feel hopeless most days for more than two weeks, it may be depression. See your GP, or call the SADAG Suicide Crisis Helpline on 0800 567 567, which is free and open day and night.