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Life after divorce for women: finding your feet again

Updated · By the After Divorce volunteers

Short answer

Life after divorce for women usually improves with time, especially once money and routine feel under control. The steps that help most are getting a clear picture of your finances, building a week that includes time for yourself, staying close to friends or finding new ones, and accepting help with the children. Grief and relief often arrive together, and both are normal.

What does the first year feel like?

Women often describe carrying two things at once: grief for the marriage and the future they had planned, and relief that the tension is over. Add exhaustion, because the practical load usually grows. If the children live mostly with you, you are doing bedtime, homework, lifts and work, without a second adult in the house.

It is common to feel fine for a week and then be floored by a song in a shop. That is not going backwards. It is how it goes.

What helps most in practice?

  1. Know your numbers. Write down what comes in, what goes out and what maintenance is due. Money worry is lighter once it is on paper.
  2. Protect one evening a week. One night that is yours, already planned, with other adults. A women's meetup can be that night.
  3. Accept help. Lift clubs, grandparents, a neighbour. Saying yes is not failing.
  4. Keep moving. A walk counts. Three times a week is enough to make a difference to sleep and mood.
  5. Keep co-parenting messages short and factual. Times, places, school. Save the rest for someone who is on your side.

What happens to your friendships?

Some friends step up. Some go quiet, often because they do not know what to say, or because they were friends with the two of you as a couple. It hurts, and it is very common.

It helps to add people who are in the same position. They do not need the back story, and they will not flinch when you are having a bad day. See how to make friends after divorce.

When should you ask for more help?

See your GP or a counsellor if, for more than two weeks, you cannot sleep, cannot stop crying, feel nothing at all, or cannot manage ordinary tasks. FAMSA offers counselling for people going through divorce, and SADAG runs free helplines.

If you ever feel unsafe because of a former partner, contact the police or the GBV Command Centre.

Quick questions

How long does it take a woman to recover from divorce?
There is no set time. Many women say the first year is the hardest and that they feel like themselves again somewhere in the second or third year. Support, routine and financial stability all speed it up.
Is it normal to feel relieved after divorce?
Yes. Relief and grief very often come together, and feeling relieved does not mean the marriage did not matter.
Where can women find divorce support in South Africa?
Options include After Divorce women's meetups, FAMSA counselling, SADAG support groups and helplines, church-run DivorceCare courses, and women-only groups on Facebook.

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